First time a man break your heart, it's his fault. Second time a man break your heart, it's your fault. Third time a man break your heart, you're an idiot! At this age and time, I'm still naively believe I could find a man who won't break my heart. Yea, it's the second time and I have myself to blame. There's no such thing of pure heart. There's no such thing as honest heart. The first time a man break my heart, it's was the painfullest feeling I have ever felt and I promise myself there won't be a second time. I would lock my heart in prison and keep it deep and secure inside so no one can find it. That's my motto for many years and it works. No feeling, no heart involved, it was great.
Then came one day I decided to take a risk. Maybe this time will be different, I don't know how the ending would be but I'm GOING TO give it a try! How stupid is that? For a while I lost it. I guess it's because my heart has been lock away for so many years that it's trying to excape. And it excape at the wrong time. Or is it? Maybe there isn't a wrong time to excape. It's just my fault, I shouldn't let my guard down. I should have known better. In a zip, my heart was broken to pieces and this time is fast and furious. Luckily, my heart didn't fully excape from prison. Being in prison for so long, my heart was still adjusting to the nature, to the freedom. Luckily everything was over before my heart is fully feeling-released from life in prison. I managed to keep my compose and finshed the day like any other day. I managed to face people and laugh with them. I managed to put my pain on hold until I reached home. Then... I broke down and cry...
Home is the prison of the heart. Home is where the feeling guarding it 24/7, 365 days. Home has super tied security and no one is allow to enter without 300% scrutiny. Home is where I heal. I'm at home now. I'm not sure for how long but it will be a while. Physically I still go to work and face the world. But my pain will be healing at home. My heart is since locked in a maximum security facilities with more guards outside the door. Heart is going to be there forever.
My feeling is now in fear because one more excape, I'm the idiot. My feeling has to guard the heart with extra, extra care. Feeling should never be loose or take a break or take a risk or go holiday. My feeling must warn me of any potential attack in the future. For me, I have to remind myself to trust my feeling. It's never wrong. I have to gain my confidence towards my feeling. It has guided me all this year and I somehow let it down. In turn, my feeling was disturbed and as a result my heart excape from prison. It will never happen again. I promise.
Now, I have to heal myself. At the same time I have to make sure he doesn't know I was hurt because I make a different promise to him. It's not going to be easy but I have to go through it and face it until I am healed. For now, I have to cry my pain away. This is the life I know.
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