After 2 weeks of clashing and argument with Sham, this week things are cooling down. It was a fair bit too. I believe it maybe due to additional creative people in the office this week. We are pitching for a creative campaign to a bank. Being short-handed, I hire 2 freelancers - one designer and one copywriter. The freelancers are from my previous company. These two freelancers give motivation and revive drive to Sham. As he needs energy, critical mind that challenges his, someone whom he can relate, throw out his frustration and ideas, same wave-lane and share the same jokes. People who can make him click.
I must say it has been a good week so far. I am beginning to understand what he need. He needs creative juice to get him running and go through the day here in the company. Critical thinking to pump his heart beat and heats up his creative mind. He seems to have more passion and creative ideas with the freelancers around. This prompt me something. Do I want to headhunt more stuff from mt previous company? Do I want to give the freelance designer another chance? Can I tolerate with his attendance problem and BS? Can I accept his all talk and no result? I have to think carefully. I don't want to end up questioning Sham about his friend. I don't want to end up with another frustration and dissapointment.
I know Sham is not going to be long here. This is a fact. I know he is helping me to set up the creative department and making arrangement to smoothen the operations. Once things are running on it own, he will bid goodbye and ove on to agency life. A decision that I am slowing accepting with a extremely heavy heart. As I mentioned in my previous entries that I have problem working with people, and it is very hard for me to find someone whom I can work with and as a team. So far, I only found 6 after my 9 years in the work force.
The first one is my Sales Manager when I work in a hotel. The next three was during my previous company. A Human Resource Manager, Marketing Manager and a software developer. Next is my bf. The Sales Manager is now a full time mom living in US. The Human Resource Manager is in the consumer industry. My Marketing Manager is now a full time mom helping her hubby in the creative agency. My developer friend is now the Head of Operations with a country's top communications company. My bf is with the finance industry. I found out that I can work well with Sham during my previous company. We argue a lot and sometime have different ideas but I work well with him and able to tolerate with him. I pull him over because I strongly believe that if we work as a team, we both can achieve very far in this company and build a strong resume.
However, all this dream is going to just dream. As he has lost his motivation and his view of life has changed, I have no choice but re-think and re-plan my next steps. I still don't know what I want to do after this but with GOD on my side, I hope to find and solution.
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Learn to Change
After a dreadful morning, I finally said to Sham that I'm giving myself one month to think a few issues. At this point of time, I believe I need to re-think what I really want in life. I have to re-learn and sharpen up my design skills because I know at the moment, I've lost it and even Sham has no confidence in me. I do know that I want to work on my own, be my own boss and be a freelance designer and project manager for companies campaign. What I don't know is how to achieve it.
My boss want me to be an outstanding creative director. Maybe that's what I really want to achieve but I never realised it until he mentioned it. I want to have freedom of time and space. I want to work alone and be alone. Somehow, I don't understand why I think this way. Even with Teddy, I feel that I need some time to be alone whenever I am feeling down or over-stress from work. Working here has caused me to become like the people inside this company. I started to complaint about people in the company. I started to whin on petty stuff. Maybe my ex-staff was right, working in this company has made me become like them.
My boss want me to be an outstanding creative director. Maybe that's what I really want to achieve but I never realised it until he mentioned it. I want to have freedom of time and space. I want to work alone and be alone. Somehow, I don't understand why I think this way. Even with Teddy, I feel that I need some time to be alone whenever I am feeling down or over-stress from work. Working here has caused me to become like the people inside this company. I started to complaint about people in the company. I started to whin on petty stuff. Maybe my ex-staff was right, working in this company has made me become like them.
Bow Out
Since the last few days, I am feeling really down and depress. Emotionally unstable. At last I finally sms Tinah and Alex and informed them bit and pieces of what's happening to me and seek for their advice. I feel sorry to Alex because she was the one who introduce me to my current company. I feel that I let her down because she took the time and effort to recommend me to my current boss, I didn't perform up to everyone's standard. I feel that I've let everyone who believe in me down terribly. In her message, she mentioned that, "A true winner is to know when to bow out from a team of loser". I really wanted to bow out but at the same time, I never like to be defected. I know there are so much I could learn from here and take it with me when I leave here one day, but to leave now mean I gain nothing and learn nothing. It shows to the people in this company that they won and I lost.
Moreover, Sham has lost his interest here and all the motivation he had. This has definitely put a stumbling block on our friendship. Well, maybe not friendship but work mate. He has put it clear that he doesn't see me as a friend. I think that hurt me the most. I'm a very private person and never share my personal life. I somehow felt betrayed by his statement and his view. Somehow I forgot that each time I open up to people, I ended up the one getting hurt and outcast. I ended up the one that lose a friend or finding out I didn't have a friend in the first place.
Frankly speaking, I don't know what to do anymore. My system are all shutting down. My energy, drive, emotion, motivation, spirit, excitement are all shut down. I lost the ability to think, to continue working, to explore new frontiers. Now, I have to think where can I go from here. Where can I go and do after I resigned from here.
I think my previous boss is right. I DO have problem working with other company. Sham is right too, I DO have problem working with people. Maybe that is why my dream is to work from home by myself.
Moreover, Sham has lost his interest here and all the motivation he had. This has definitely put a stumbling block on our friendship. Well, maybe not friendship but work mate. He has put it clear that he doesn't see me as a friend. I think that hurt me the most. I'm a very private person and never share my personal life. I somehow felt betrayed by his statement and his view. Somehow I forgot that each time I open up to people, I ended up the one getting hurt and outcast. I ended up the one that lose a friend or finding out I didn't have a friend in the first place.
Frankly speaking, I don't know what to do anymore. My system are all shutting down. My energy, drive, emotion, motivation, spirit, excitement are all shut down. I lost the ability to think, to continue working, to explore new frontiers. Now, I have to think where can I go from here. Where can I go and do after I resigned from here.
I think my previous boss is right. I DO have problem working with other company. Sham is right too, I DO have problem working with people. Maybe that is why my dream is to work from home by myself.
Monday, February 05, 2007
Management Retreat and Reality
It was 9.00am, Friday and I received a call from my boss. During the brief conversation he remind me to be well prepared for this Sunday. I was asked to go for a 2-day management retreat in a highland resort near KL. When he mentioned if I would like Sham to joined, I was reluctant to update him about our fight on Wednesday night. I was in luck as he let me decide if Sham should be going. However, he did hint that Sham should go. Looking at Sham's current situation, I don't think he will ever want to go. I don't think he sees it as an added value to his career advancement and learning processes.
I had a hard time trying to focus on my preparation and homework given by my boss to be present during the meeting at 10am, Sunday. I was feeling really down and I wish I could call teddy to chit chat and get me off my worries. I was down with fever by Saturday so I stayed in bed the whole day. In the afternoon, I drag myself out of bed to go to a bookstore to get a few leadership books. I realised that I need a lot of improvement on leadership and management. As my boss said, nothing is stopping me from learning. I bought 4 books. It was quite a bargain for one book because I get 2 books for the price of one. When I reached home, I started reading some of the points.
It was not until early Sunday that I started to prepare my presentation and finished my assignment. By 7.45am, I was in a taxi on the way to office, the meeting point for my boss to pick me. He was there 10 mins early. Luckily, it was early morning Sunday so no traffic on the road. After that, we have to pick up my CFO. by the time we reached the resort, it was on time to start the meeting. It was a brainstorming session. There were a lot of points put forward by each department and their obsticles. I learnt to understand them. I tried my best to gel into the group and talk to everybody. Even though I might not have the same perceptive or view point with everyone, I tried to learn and work as a team. I noticed that one of the head wasn't mixing well with the rest and a pair still prefer to be together. I don't blame them, you tend to stick to the one you're in tune with.
Unfortunately for me, my partner-in-crime has given up on me and the company and opportunity that might happen. I reached office straight from the resort and I was thrown back to reality. Again he mentioned to my face that his line and career objective is not here. Immediately all that motivate me puff out of the window. All the new business development I am dependent on him. As he clearly spelled out to me that I am too dependent on him. I guess I really am. In order for me to achieve my KPI, I needed him. Now that I lost his support, I know I will fail.
Today I decided to give up. My plan for my career advancement and portfolio in this company I have to let go. Now, I have to put my emotion together and give myself some time to think things over. I am giving myself one month to think on a few issues and decide where I should go from here.
I had a hard time trying to focus on my preparation and homework given by my boss to be present during the meeting at 10am, Sunday. I was feeling really down and I wish I could call teddy to chit chat and get me off my worries. I was down with fever by Saturday so I stayed in bed the whole day. In the afternoon, I drag myself out of bed to go to a bookstore to get a few leadership books. I realised that I need a lot of improvement on leadership and management. As my boss said, nothing is stopping me from learning. I bought 4 books. It was quite a bargain for one book because I get 2 books for the price of one. When I reached home, I started reading some of the points.
It was not until early Sunday that I started to prepare my presentation and finished my assignment. By 7.45am, I was in a taxi on the way to office, the meeting point for my boss to pick me. He was there 10 mins early. Luckily, it was early morning Sunday so no traffic on the road. After that, we have to pick up my CFO. by the time we reached the resort, it was on time to start the meeting. It was a brainstorming session. There were a lot of points put forward by each department and their obsticles. I learnt to understand them. I tried my best to gel into the group and talk to everybody. Even though I might not have the same perceptive or view point with everyone, I tried to learn and work as a team. I noticed that one of the head wasn't mixing well with the rest and a pair still prefer to be together. I don't blame them, you tend to stick to the one you're in tune with.
Unfortunately for me, my partner-in-crime has given up on me and the company and opportunity that might happen. I reached office straight from the resort and I was thrown back to reality. Again he mentioned to my face that his line and career objective is not here. Immediately all that motivate me puff out of the window. All the new business development I am dependent on him. As he clearly spelled out to me that I am too dependent on him. I guess I really am. In order for me to achieve my KPI, I needed him. Now that I lost his support, I know I will fail.
Today I decided to give up. My plan for my career advancement and portfolio in this company I have to let go. Now, I have to put my emotion together and give myself some time to think things over. I am giving myself one month to think on a few issues and decide where I should go from here.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Independent
For the past couple of months I was increasingly dependent on Sham when it comes to daily operations of my department. While I am trying my very best to restructure my department, I depend on Sham where creative work and design project are concern. I keep telling myself, it's ok, Sham will be able to help me. He will be ther for me. My dependence on him has become too much and it leads to dissapointment and overbearing.
It lead to dissapointment on my side because each time during critical moment, he was not there when I needed someone to resolve design issues. No doubt the deadlines are ridiculous and crazy but he wasn't there when I needed him the most. He feel overbearing and suffocate that I was too dependent on him that he feel trap, anger, lost of freedom and flexibility. Lost of family time.
My mistake. My mistake because I let myself depend on him. My mistake because I believe I can depend on him when he mentioned and advice me that I should open up my problems and share it with him. My mistake that I fell into the trap thinking that I have someone I can share my problems in my most challenging company to date. My mistake thinking that he will help me and stand by me all the time to go though a horrible day. My mistake thinking that he is the same type of person as my previous colleague in netlinx. My mistake thinking that I can fully depend on him to get things done 110% as my previous colleague in netlinx. My mistake that I asked too much of him when he can't give. My mistake for pushing him too far when he's not ready. My mistake for trusting him to make my objective in the operations department realised. My mistake in trusting him that I can turn a directory design oriented into a full blown advertising agency. My mistake for opening up myself to him. My mistake I let my guard down and ended up getting hurt.
All of those are my mistakes. Everytime I try to help someone, I end up complicated things and lose the friendship and team work. Helping, generous and kind only leads to tears. i learnt that since I was a child. Yet, I still make the same mistakes years after that.
You must depend on youself. You must not trust anyone no matter how sweet or how truthful it sound. No one can help you but yourself. Better be alone than open up your heart to be crashed. I must keep remember all that for I am alone.
It lead to dissapointment on my side because each time during critical moment, he was not there when I needed someone to resolve design issues. No doubt the deadlines are ridiculous and crazy but he wasn't there when I needed him the most. He feel overbearing and suffocate that I was too dependent on him that he feel trap, anger, lost of freedom and flexibility. Lost of family time.
My mistake. My mistake because I let myself depend on him. My mistake because I believe I can depend on him when he mentioned and advice me that I should open up my problems and share it with him. My mistake that I fell into the trap thinking that I have someone I can share my problems in my most challenging company to date. My mistake thinking that he will help me and stand by me all the time to go though a horrible day. My mistake thinking that he is the same type of person as my previous colleague in netlinx. My mistake thinking that I can fully depend on him to get things done 110% as my previous colleague in netlinx. My mistake that I asked too much of him when he can't give. My mistake for pushing him too far when he's not ready. My mistake for trusting him to make my objective in the operations department realised. My mistake in trusting him that I can turn a directory design oriented into a full blown advertising agency. My mistake for opening up myself to him. My mistake I let my guard down and ended up getting hurt.
All of those are my mistakes. Everytime I try to help someone, I end up complicated things and lose the friendship and team work. Helping, generous and kind only leads to tears. i learnt that since I was a child. Yet, I still make the same mistakes years after that.
You must depend on youself. You must not trust anyone no matter how sweet or how truthful it sound. No one can help you but yourself. Better be alone than open up your heart to be crashed. I must keep remember all that for I am alone.