Bow Out

Since the last few days, I am feeling really down and depress. Emotionally unstable. At last I finally sms Tinah and Alex and informed them bit and pieces of what's happening to me and seek for their advice. I feel sorry to Alex because she was the one who introduce me to my current company. I feel that I let her down because she took the time and effort to recommend me to my current boss, I didn't perform up to everyone's standard. I feel that I've let everyone who believe in me down terribly. In her message, she mentioned that, "A true winner is to know when to bow out from a team of loser". I really wanted to bow out but at the same time, I never like to be defected. I know there are so much I could learn from here and take it with me when I leave here one day, but to leave now mean I gain nothing and learn nothing. It shows to the people in this company that they won and I lost.

Moreover, Sham has lost his interest here and all the motivation he had. This has definitely put a stumbling block on our friendship. Well, maybe not friendship but work mate. He has put it clear that he doesn't see me as a friend. I think that hurt me the most. I'm a very private person and never share my personal life. I somehow felt betrayed by his statement and his view. Somehow I forgot that each time I open up to people, I ended up the one getting hurt and outcast. I ended up the one that lose a friend or finding out I didn't have a friend in the first place.

Frankly speaking, I don't know what to do anymore. My system are all shutting down. My energy, drive, emotion, motivation, spirit, excitement are all shut down. I lost the ability to think, to continue working, to explore new frontiers. Now, I have to think where can I go from here. Where can I go and do after I resigned from here.

I think my previous boss is right. I DO have problem working with other company. Sham is right too, I DO have problem working with people. Maybe that is why my dream is to work from home by myself.