Spliting emotions

After few months working for an Singapore based company, I'm beginning to doubt if this is the right company environment for me. I've never felt like dragging myself to work every morning in any of my previous company, no matter how though or how crazt the office politic is. But here, I'm dragging myself to work every morning. I have been going to work with a heavy heart and it's getting worse by the days. Never in my career life I felt this low. Not even when I had to work till 7am, or re-do the production over-night just before the deadline, or when I get salary every 2 months, or when the time all the so-call 'senior' management wanted to outcast me. Never back then. I still look forward to work every morning, I enjoy the challenges, the drives. I was still very happy and love my work.

It's all different now. Never have I been blame and shout at so much for the things I didn't even understand, things that I've tried my very best. I've been blame for impossible. Previously, when I was in a situation where I aither sink or swim, I swam. Now, I can't swim, it's just sinking all the way down.

When I wanted to recruited candidates, I wasn't given the budget or choices of head hunters. I had to look in jobstreet. As if I have a lot of time to spare during working hours. When candidates rejected the interview or didn't show up for interview, I was blame for ineffiency, bad planning, not doing my job. I wonder if anyone of you tried to find candidates in jobstreet database. It takes hours and days. Then, we have a lot of holidays during year ends till March. Deadline of the delivery wasn't take these into account. I have to force my staff to work and I personally felt uneasy. Holidays and weekends are for family, regardless of what kind of economic situation we are in. We didn't sell our souls to the company. I didn't buy 24/7 of my staff life. They need life, I need life. With just 3 months operations, my staff has accumulated 10 days off-in-lieu!

In all previous companies, I was able to find solutions for near impossible projects. However, it's really not possible here. It's impossible to build an comprehensive database from scratch in 1 month. It's impossible to QC and ensure data accuracy in a month. It's not advisable to re-do and make-do with what we have due to time. This create double work for everyone when we should be moving forward or further enhance our data. Unfortunately, this is how the company operates. Kia-su and Kia-si to the extreme.

With the impossible deadline, and impposible situation, I wasn't allow to give allowance to motivate staff or show appreciation for their commitment. I wasn't allow to pay a better salary to pull the candidates over to our company. As a pioneer, I believe that staff should be given extra as they have more work to do, to accomplished until we stablised. My hands are tied. Every suggestion was not heard. When I say A,B,C, my boss heard it as 1,2,3 or didn't listen at all. I wonder how other handle the situation. I'm getting very, very tired. I'm holding on for my staff. I'm being strong for my staff. The current economic situation didn't help. MY penniless bank account doesn't help. Or I would have made my decision to further studies.