7 years ago, today, someone I love dearly crushed my heart and love. On that day, he told me he found someone who is more beautiful than me. Yup, that was the exact words he said to me over the phone. For a while I was in shell shock that I didn't know how to react. I snapped out of it after a few minutes and realised what had just happened. I asked him why and was there something I did wrong? Or didn't do? He just said it was nothing. He just said he didn't love me anymore. Upon hearing all this, all I did was cried. I think I cried for 2 hours that day. I cried for one year, everyday, I cried to sleep in my room. I blamed myself and felt guilty and depress though out that year. I even lost my job because I wasn't able to concentrate at my work. The person I put a lot of faith, trust and love, told me he found someone more beautiful than me.
I was all alone in this big city. We came here together in search of a career and a future. We were together since our campus days. We agreed that we would come to the city and started our career after graduation. We agreed that after we saved enough money, we would settle down and build our family. Well, actually, all the 'we' was what he wanted and planned. He also told me to took a step back in my career and let him be the 'better man' with higher career prospect. Telling me I should be just content as a GD and he wanted to move up till CD. As gullible as I was, I agreed.
It was hardship for us when we started working. I saved all I can and since I was working in an hospitality industry, I saved up by eating my breakfast, lunch and dinner at its cafeteria. Food was nothing to be complaint because it was cooked by the apprentices of a chef. Sometimes, we gets to eat the left-over of some corporate dinning functions. Even though we were eating left-over, but the food tasted much better than those cooked by the apprentices. That's one portion of expenses saved. Besides that, taking bus was my main transporatation. Sometimes, it would be more convenient to take a taxi or a train but that would costed a lot. It's specially inconvenient to take a bus during heavy rain because I always ended up socking wet from head to toe. To make matters worse, I had to walk another half an hour up a hill to reach a hostel where I rented a room. So you know what it was like for me under the rain. That's another portion of expenses saved. It was more like hardship for me because he has this thing about taking care of his image. He was the youngest child in his family, the baby of the family and was spoilt by all his big sisters and brothers. It was stupid of me not to see his flaws but love is truely blind.
Even though I work in a administrative category, I was able to saved more than him. He wasn't able to save anything and sometimes had to borrow from me so he can hang out with his creative friends. You could say I took care of the both of us. There were times that he cancelled our dates because he was with his friends or had to work late. Some people might think I am a silly and naive gal but to me love to having faith, trust and sharing. I don't mind sacrify for our future. I don't mind sharing the burden. Being the kind of person he is, he likes centre stage attention so the borrowing money became frequent and I had to used the monies my parents gave me for save keeping. I regreted it till this very day because after he dissappeared, I had to earn back all those monies so that my parents won't find out my stupidity. I never lend anyone money after that, no matter how desperate or urgent ones needs it.
Another thing that hurt me deeply was the date he told me the painful words. We had planned to celebrate my birthday. He told me it would be a very surprise and that I would be very happy. Well, maybe the breaking up was what he meant. It was only 15 days before my birthday. Ever since then, I celebrate my birthday alone. So you see, I'm always a bit mushy and sensitive on this date. It always bring back that day. I never have many friends so it's difficult to find comfort on this day too. Normally I would called Lived just to talk nonsense or irritate Lived. This will make me forget my past. Unfortunately for this year, Lived is away...
Even though it was 7 years, he did called me sometimes asking for help. It was either to borrow money or to check if I were doing better than him. He has this thing about being better than me. He had to have a better job, better pay and better career. Unfortunately, after a year of crying, I pick up myself and started all over again. I landed a job in an international company and work really hard to make up the year I wasted crying over a man. I did do better than him. But up till this day, commitment is foreign to me. Commitment is what I fear.
Love is an empty box.
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